My name is Roy and I enjoy watching reruns of Two and a Half Men.

What you gonna do? Shoot me? Or maybe fire me, sue me, ridicule me till the cows come home. But you know what’s the difference between us? I’m WINNING!

Seriously, Charlie Sheen is not bs-ing this time – he is definitely winning and I realized that while watching deathtime CBS last night, which is not an industry term that opposites primetime or anything, deathtime just means that I’m slouching on the couch, one hand in my crotch and another holding a PBR as my entire state of being is so pathetic, that I wish I’d be dead and buried and more useful to this planet as a heap of organic compost. Anyway, here’s what happened during one episode of Two and a Half Men:

(more…)

So turns out that everybody’s getting a car this Christmas. I personally thought this country is in the crapper and nobody can or should afford to buy anything, but I guess that when Banko’America takes people houses while they’re sleeping, a car might seem a reasonable place to live in.

So there are a lot of car commercials recently and usually it’s somebody being surprised by his or hers significant other who just bought a new car although their asses are all in credit card debt and they’re not responsible enough to go over bills and make the decision together but hey whatever makes this great nation happy right?

Anyways there are two strangely annoying thing going on in these commercials:

1. Cars mysteriously appear in people’s living rooms.

2. Pomplamoose.

(more…)

Would somebody please tell the world that even first graders know better than pay any attention to a site that has “Wiki” in the title?? The entire Wikithing is meant to entertain the lazy inc. who don’t have enough energy to look past the first search results page. And even they know it’s all crap. (more…)

Once again, Steve Jobs raped the world and everybody bend over and ask for more.

Yup. Anybody with a half functioning brain must have came across Apple’s countdown on the iTunes store yesterday. KristenM was one of the victims, and she wrote a lovely anti-Apple post about it, but I still feel the urge to be… more graphic. You see, there was a clock on the itunes homepage yesterday and it was ticking back to the event that “you will never forget.” Let’s repeat this statement once again, just in case you’ve missed the fact that today was a day you aren’t supposed to forget, and let’s do it with all caps:

TOMORROW IS JUST ANOTHER DAY.

THAT YOU’LL NEVER FORGET.

Really? WTF?? I mean, this statement is oh so vain to begin with, so arrogant and pompous, so Steve Jobsian is the-king-of-universe-master-ruler-of-the-galaxy type of shit and it really makes me wanna puke on the floor and then get on all fours and eat my own vomit because that’s the kind of maggot Apple thinks that I am, such a vermin that my unforgettable life events must include my birth, my bar-mitzvah, the day that I lost my virginity (not in any particular order) and the day that Apple announced the Beatles MP3s will be sold on iTunes.

Seriously, is it the apocalypse? Is Steve Jobs the anti-Christ? The master puppeteer? Because you know that with all the shit that’s going on in this fucked up world, every newspaper, every television show, every blog of every gadget horny teenager published Jobs’ crap and that tomorrow is a day not to forget? You know, no matter what the announcement might have been, does it make any sense to anybody here, that the media became Steve Jobs’ little bitch? That every fart coming out of the Cupertino asshole is getting more coverage than the Darfur genocide?!

This latest announcement was over-hyped in levels so extreme, I’m not sure world peace could ever get this kind of publicity. I mean, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, The New York Times, and many many more, all opened their legs to Apple’s press release, providing the evil corporation with priceless advertising and extreme anticipation for what??

Our nation’s watch dogs working for Apple’s PR department. That’s fucking great.

1699 Articles about iTunes are currently on Google news, all written within 20 minutes of Apple’s announcement. If any media body had any balls, this madness should have been disregarded completely. 1699 articles because iTunes is now selling some Beatles records. Number of articles on Darfur published during the last day? 75 (!) and that’s fucked up.

So now I’m gonna just leave you feeling guilty and terrible with a video about all the shit that’s going on the world:

The Ground Zero mosque nonsense has gotten far beyond reason and you know, I kinda start losing the righteous-freedom-above-all part of me and just want the mosque to get out of my morning newspaper, and my life.

(more…)

Bad news to all of you microwavable sodium lactate lovers – Jimmy Dean, the country singer turned sausage icon, died at his home last night at the age of 81. Not a bad age for a man responsible of stuffing America with nylon packed smoked sausage sandwiches, made out of goodies like monosodium glutamate, sodium diacetate and cheese.

Of course that Jimmy Dean will not only be remembered as the cause for blocked arteries around the nation; Dean’s success as a country singer rocketed when “Big Bad John” won him a Grammy in 1962 followed by a TV variety show that lasted for three years.

But Dean was always a romantic, and his true passion, according to AP, was “slaughtering pigs on his family’s farm by hitting them over the head with the blunt end of an ax and then grinding the meat alongside his brother Don.” Good times.

And so Dean started his meat company, and introduced America to wonderful gourmet creations like the all time favorite shtick “Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick” or the forever classic Jimmy Dean’s Sausage, Balls.

If you guys are worried about the future of your cholesterol laden breakfasts, just know that Jimmy Dean, R.I.P, sold his company to the Sara Lee corporation and things will go back to normal, as soon as their CEO will recover from stroke.

If I was Rabbi David Nesenoff, I would crawl into a deep cave and stay there for at least a couple of months. Sorry, but there is hardly any achievement in ending someone’s career, especially if it’s the career of a 90 year old woman. Oh, and by the way, the Rabbi is a terrible comedian.

That is why Rabbi Nesenoff should be kicked in the balls.

Last night, Keith Olbermann dug up a video shot by the Rabbi, titled Holy Weather. The clip is painfully unfunny and I wouldn’t go as far as calling it racist, but it’s as insensitive as Sarah Palin in a Peta convention. The Rabbi, dressed as a Mexican Priest (?!) mumbles about immigration officers and dish washing and practically every other Latin American stereotype reference that you’re able to think of. The embarrassing skit got the Rabbi a place in Olbermann’s infamous Worst Person in the World list, and while this might be a bit too harsh, here at EM!! we do believe the Rabbi should be kicked in the balls and post it on Youtube. It’s going to be a lot funnier than Holy Weather.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that the Jews should  get the hell out of Israel. God forbid. My family is back in Israel and if they follow Thomas’ advice then they’ll come and sleep at my place. And we definitely don’t want that to happen. But we do want to allow a 90 year old woman to have an opinion, even if it’s the kind that should be followed by a punch in the face.

Earlier this morning, the Rabbi said that he is daunted by all the response, positive and negative. Although it’s hard to for me to see the positive part of the story: is it the Rabbi receiving thousands of anti-Semitic and life threatening emails or Helen Thomas who turned into the most hated woman in America? This drama did not promote dialog or brought any good to either side. Thomas did a lousy job expressing her opinions, the Rabbi did a lousy job as a journalist, and we followed the blindly. There was no conversation between Nesenoff and Thomas. Each side basically “tweeted” his own mind without thinking about the consequences, forgetting the fast-media world they live in.

Thomas’ remarks where evil but Nesenoff’s video was equally filled with hatred and revenge. She wanted the Jews out of Israel and he wanted her opinions out of the White House. Now they both suffer from the same hatred they so easily sparked.

But what’s really ridicules about this entire story is that Helen Thomas was never pro-Israeli in any way. It’s shown in her work as a journalist and she never did a good job hiding it. So why the big fuss now? Did we become so dumb that we can only understand a Youtube clip that’s shot with a cell phone camera and features a sentence no longer than your typical tweet??

Besides, Helen Thomas, if you didn’t follow, is 90!! You know what happens to you when you’re 90 years old? Every night your brain melts a little and drips out of your ears. That’s a medical fact. So let’s cut her some slack. Or at least, remind her to take her medicine.

GM recalls 1.5M cars, truck and SUVs. Why? Inorder to remove a wiper fluid heating system that can cause fire. To EM!! it sounds like a great idea… fire windshield wipers?! Talk about pimipn’ your ride man!

But to GM it sounds like trouble.

So what’s up with all those recalls lately? Toyota recalled tons of cars, McDonald’s recalled Cancer Shrek cups, Maytag recalled burning dishwashers, damn, I just been to IKEA this weekend and I saw an ad recalling mattresses that are too flammable, and at a recent GAP store visit they bombarded me with pamphlets recalling choking children’s bathing suits.

EM!! officially recalls on sanity.

Hey, leave us alone all right? Let us buy your crap, let it catch on fire, and let us deal with it. What happened to the good old days, when you sold us your hazardous-cancer-causing-fire-catching products and we had the right to kill ourselves without knowing it. I’d rather get Shrek Cancer and think that, well, I was just fucked with cancer. Seriously,  you guys really want to know that some McDonald’s cup is the reason you got cancer? Is there anything more pathetic than getting Shrek Cancer?

You don’t see Apple recalling their iPhones because they give you Jobs’ Cancer. Heck no! You see them having an iPhone 4 Jobs Cancer launching parties! Do you see Phillip Morris recalling cigarettes because they are, I don’t know, flammable? cancerous? No! They just let you kill yourself in peace.

If we’re already living in cancer causing crazy exploding universe, and we’re all gonna die because of our own shit, what’s another flammable windshield wiper?

Listen, I love Tom Cruise. I really think his one of the actors that can truly carry a movie. He looks good and he he has that rare star quality in him. He is a classic. But he is also nuts. No matter how good he is in a fat man suite.

I mean, looking at Tom Cruise MTV Movie Awards and saying that the guy “redeemed himself” only because he resurrected Tropic Thunder’s Less Grossman? Hey, we gave him the cred for the character in 2008. Yes, 2008!! According to EM!! that’s like 200 decades in celebrity years.

Less Grossman is hilarious, but it’s a one time joke. So no. Cruise can’t just do a Less Grossman and get away with years of craziness, couches, Scientology and bad movies. Oh, and by judging the looks of his new flick Knight and Day, another recycled romantic-action-comedy, things don’t look promising for Cruise. Sure, James Mangold sits on the director’s chair, but the trailer feels like another spin on James Cameron’s True Lies, or should I say another unnecessary spin, especially after the painfully stupid Kutcher-Heigl Killers ruined the momentum for any guy-girl action duo to come in the next decade or so.

Cruise told reports that he is actually working on a Less Grossman flick, which could bring us either heavenly bliss or excruciating pain, still, there’s no way to deny how much this clip rocks:

Always knew that there’s something wrong with Shrek’s color. That nuclear green, looks unhealthy, like he’d fallen into some radioactive goo. Anyway, if the new Shrek movie ain’t gonna make you laugh, well, it sure will give you cancer.

Oh cancer, remember the days when you had to be bad in order to get cancer? Smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, suntan all day, but now? Drinking diet-coke from a frickin Mickey D cup will promise you a spot in the line for chemo.

And all thanks to element number 48. Mother Nature gave us Cadmium so we could make great things, like rechargeable batteries. But not kids’ drinking glasses!

“We believe the Shrek glassware is safe for consumer use,” said CPSC spokesman Scott Wolfson. Oh, wow, what a relief.  ”However, we made the decision to stop selling them and voluntarily recall these products effective immediately.” Shit I knew it, we’re all going to die.

Well, at least you get a refund on your glass.