Cox/Arquette & Aguilera/Bratman: A Study of the Hotness Factor in Celebrity Marriage/Divorce

Jess G. just finished theorizing about what could possibly have attributed to the divorce of longtime couple Courteney Cox (is it safe now to go back to calling her Courteney Cox again? Boy, how dumb those Friends title sequences seem looking back now) and David Arquette. First of all, can I just get this off our collective chests? What the hell was THAT about?? Phew. Ok, now that that’s over with, let’s move on.

While Jess did come up with some very rational and sensible reasons  for the breakup, like David neglecting to hold Courteney’s purse or umbrella anymore, (The nerve! Am I right, ladies?) I submit to you another theory, and I present another recent development as proof.

He just wasn’t hot enough for her.
I mean, there’s only so long you can go along being with someone who is so vastly inferior to you in the looks department. It’s gotta put a strain on the relationship, no? Look at Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, another recent couple who have fallen victim to the divorce bug, and another couple who you just had to shake your head at. As Michael Bluth so eloquently said about Boring Anne, “Him?” (Well he actually said “her?”, but that didn’t work in the context of my argument, so work with me here, please.) I mean, I genuinely feel bad for the guy. You can actually see the feeling of inadequacy in his poor, droopy eyes. It’s like he’s waiting for the other shoe to fall. And today, it did. With a clunk.

(It could also very well be that they ran out of ‘she’s super hot he’s super not‘ Halloween costume ideas, which is very possible considering how many freaking times they dressed up together! Have you ever seen a couple dress up together so often?  Jeez… I mean, how many Halloweens did they spend together already? It’s like she was trying to rub it in or something. I guess we’ll never truly know.)

So I ask you, who will be the next celebrity couple to fall prey to this sad, grossly underestimated epidemic? Here are a few examples of some couples (even some who aren’t married) who might want to watch their backs (and maybe look in the mirror every so often?)

1. Jennifer Lopez and Skeletor

Sorry, I meant Marc Anthony.

2. Beyonce and Jay-Z

I know he’s like rich and stuff and like a huge mogul or whatever, but the hotness factor does not discriminate.

3. Heidi Klum and Seal

Two (gross) words- Pock Marks.

4. Josh Duhamel and Fergie

I don’t know what it is about her face, but something just ain’t right.

5. Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green

It’s Megan by a hair in this one. Sorry BAG.

6. Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn

Should’ve stuck with Uncle Jesse, Rebecca. Would’ve given you a MUCH better chance. I think Jerry would be infinitely cuter if he’d lose the s**t- eating grin constantly plastered on his face. It always seems like he’s telling the world “Look how hot my wife is! How awesome is that? And I used to be fat! Ha! I rock!”

7. Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher

I guess there’s something about hockey players named Mike. (See Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie.)

8. David Beckham and Posh Spice

I know this one’s not so fair. Honestly, would anyone really stand a chance with him? Yumm….

*Side note: Does a bad picture exist of David Beckham? I challenge any of you to find me one.

9. Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard

Who? Yup.

10. Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams

What is it about him, that sexy mop of gross matted hair piled on top of his head, or the dorky hipster glasses? I just can’t quite put my finger on it… Simply irresistible, I tell ya.

Couples who have absolutely nothing to worry about and should stay married/together forever and ever and live happily ever after:

1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (Don’t bother clicking through, because if you don’t know what these two look like by now… Then I envy you tremendously.)

2. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johanssen

3. Jon Krasinski and Emily Blunt

4. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel

5. Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady

6. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey (yes this counts if the two are equally UNattractive as well.)

What do you think, EMer’s? Can you think of any “He’s Hot She’s Not” (or vice versa) couples I missed? Bring it in the comments!