What We Can Learn from Top Secret America. And Archer.
19 Jul
The Washington Post dropped the first installment of its Top Secret America series today — a two-year project reflecting the sprawling security network that emerged in our nation post-911.
Essentially, TSA makes US intelligence look like a Hummer H2: big, expensive, and stupid.
My thoughts? To solve this mess — evolve from H2 to A5 — the powers that be should take some notes from my friend the television.
Ideas include:
1. Less pigs, more wigs.
(Yes, fewer pigs, I know.)
According to WashPost, approximately 854,000 people posses top-secret security clearances — which, I don’t know, seems like a lot. Especially if we’re giving all of these employees health benefits and vacays.
To tighten said spending, I recommend reducing this number by half — if not more — and supplementing those absent by handing out wigs to the remaining employees. If that doesn’t cover it, I’m pretty sure Jennifer Garner could handle 853,000ish aliases all by her lonesome.
2. Chuck.
I’ve never seen this show, but I’m pretty sure we could get some help from its titular dude.
3. Fraternity and/or paternity.
TSA reveals our intelligence network to be hopefully disconnected, and we all know that nothing brings two fellow agents together like a box of Franzia and some strategically cued Barry White.
In other words: sex. Our nation’s top-secret employees should take a note from Jessica Walter’s gin-soaked femme fatale on Archer and get their Discovery Channel on. It’ll bring us together as a nation, and lead to some amusing episodes of Maury in approximately two decades.
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