Why Turkey Sucks
8 Jun
First off, let us address the name. Turkey. It is a weak, silly name for a nation, bringing the mental image of a bird that is unable to fly, and has been rumored to be so dumb that they sometimes drown from starring at the sky during rainfall. It is the most pathetic national symbol for any country in existence, with the leaf on the Canadian Flag coming in a close second.
The name is embarrassing to such a degree that from this point on the nation will be referred to as “Gobble-gobble,” which coincidentally in Turkish is roughly translated to “Big Douchy Liars.”
The only good thing ever produced about Turkey… er, forgive me, Gobble-gobble… was the swing-style song “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” by Jimmy Kennedy and Nat Simon.
Currently, Gobble-gobble is hosting a 22-country Eurasian security summit where it is expected to raise international pressure against Israel to end a four-year blockade that prevents Hamas, a group the United States recognizes as terrorists, from getting weapons.
But Gobble-gobble is our allies. They’re our friends, right? WRONG! Robert L. Pollock of the Wall Street Journal recently reported that the national newspaper Yeni Safak (which is the daily read of current Gobble-gobble Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan) claimed Americans were tossing such a high number of Iraqi bodies into the Euphrates that it was contaminating the fish supply.
The paper also repeatedly claimed we were using chemical weapons in Fallujah, while another paper said the United States was starting to secretly occupy Indonesia.
Yeni Safak has also claimed that U.S. forces were harvesting dead Iraqis and selling their organs back at home.
And according to Pollock, another rumor spreading around Ankara was that the United States recent interest in the Middle East was based on a desire to colonize the area because of an impending asteroid strike in North America.
That’s right. An asteroid strike.
Additionally, it was rumored that SECRET AMERICAN NUCLEAR TESTS caused the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami. This one garnered such attention that U.S. ambassador Eric Edelman felt a need to hold a conference call with the Gobble-gobble media denying it.
These claims should be hilarious. Additionally, they are the opinions of a newspaper, not a government, and the freedom of speech is one we hold very dear here.
Except that Prime Minister Erdogan has REFUSED to condemn these fictitious rumors. When asked specifically about U.S. soldiers killing people for their organs, Erdogan shrugged and said “these kind of things happen in the world.”
So, just to recap, our allies from Gobble-gobble view us as a Euphrates-polluting, chemical-weapons-using, Indonesia-occupying, ORGAN-STEALING, asteroid-fearing, Tsunami-causing people.
Turkey, you suck. This is AMERICA! We don’t need your stinkin’ organs, and we certainly ain’t afraid of no asteroid!
As for polluting the Euphrates, why would the American government allow a massive body of water to be severely damaged??
Oh wait…
dumbass, turkey’s name didn’t come from the English word for a certain type of poultry. Turkey came from the word “turks” which describes a group of people originating from that area. you are terribly ethnocentric to think that Turkey came from an English word, a word developed long after the existence of the Turks.
Sweetheart,
Sadly, it is YOU who seemingly lacks intelligence, as the above article at no point says the name of Gobble-gobble came from the English word “turkey.” It states that the “weak, silly name” of the country conjures up the “mental image” of that specific type of poultry… not that it was specifically named after it.
Additionally, the Republic of Turkey was created in July of 1923 after its succession from the Ottoman Empire, CENTURIES after the creation of the English language.
How twisted it is, being lectured on the English language by a fool so void of knowledgeable that she spells her own name with a lower-case letter.
One can only hope you suffer the same fate as Helen Thomas…
Let the issue of where Gobble gobble got it’s name be the biggest worry. And for the record- the stealing of organs thing happens not to be new (unfortunately). It would seem that extremists have some kind of fetish about it. While I unfortunately can’t cite the source from which it came (because I was blinded by the level of intensity at which this stupidity was eaten up by it’s viewers), I watched an Arabic talk show in which they discussed that Israel’s involvement in Haiti relief was with the soul intention of harvesting organs (like they had supposedly also been doing to Palestinians for decades). Whats the deal? I mean, sure, us Jews love liver, but isn’t this a bit extreme?
Why do stupid people post on articles like these? Not only did he not say that the name originated from the word we use for a certain type of poultry, but this whole article has strong undertones of satire.
Julia – stupid people like you make my brain hurt.
Eric – I’ve been reading your recent articles on here and really like them. Not sure where you’ve been all this time, but keep ‘em coming.
1)You people are idiots! I,without a doubt,think that.Because “turkey” is a bird without a name.Like turkey(the bird one) came to Turkey(country)from India.The word transformed into “hindi” as a result of spelling and emphasis differences.
2)yeah,I love that song.
3)It sounds like you’d love this country only if it was some sort of utopia,so,you are saying turkey is your enemy because some unpopular newspaper which is clearly published by racists say you kill too much.and as for the prime minister reading it daily I’ll give you this example:Just like you heard from somewhere he reads it daily,I’ve heard U.S.A. does kill a lot of people in Iraq.Be rational,not all rumors are true.I mean an asteroid.COME ON !
4)Freedom of speech is absolute in Turkey,you need to make some research of recent developments before you get all sarcastic.
5)Gobble-gobble is not a good remark as you think it is.
6)People try so hard to hate sth.
7)Sorry,I saw this a year late.
While the premise of the article may be base, the content isn’t that far off.
Turks love nothing more than a good conspiracy theory, thanks to a nationalist psyche that suggests “the whole world is out to get Turkey” (when in actuality, it usually doesn’t make it past page A101 in the New York Times) and an educational system that prizes rote memorization above critical thinking.
When I was living in Turkey, there was a news segment on a major news channel that tried to present some theory that Hurricane Katrina was caused by ex-KGB agents who fired a “ray gun” in the upper levels of the atmosphere. Another Turkish oldie-but-goodie is that “SE Turkey has millions of barrels of oil rendered inaccessible by the [Americans/Brits/French/target du jour] hiding it beneath six feet of asphalt.
It also seeps into the nation’s entertainment offerings: one of the most popular shows in Turkey is a show called “Valley of the Wolves,” centering on some paramilitary group out to root out “the deep state,” a quasi-military group held by many Turks to be in charge of the country’s goings on. A few years back, there was a movie spun off of the series called “Valley of the Wolves: Iraq” featuring bloodthirsty Americans, particularly a Jewish-American doctor (portrayed by Gary Busey, mind) who made money harvesting organs to be sold to NYC and Tel-Aviv. Erdogan himself said it was a good, “accurate” movie.
And as for therethere’s comment #4 above, freedom of speech isn’t quite absolute. Just google “Turkey YouTube bans” or check out any major news source re: Turkey forcing mobile internet devices to use filters.
Turkey sucks because of its leader Arduan who is an islamic pig.
siktirin pislikler hepiniz yanacaks?n?z cehennemde cay?r cay?r türkiyeyi bu kadar k?skanmay?n hahaha salaklar
contaminants that will burn in hell for all of you so fuck off to Turkey a crisp Brad idiots hahaha
Turkey sucks and will never be part of the EU. Turkey can’t even solve it’s own problem with the Kurds, and the Kurds give turkey a bad name the assualt tourist and even hit women touris. turkey can’t even protect it’s tourist from dangers kurds.
Turks usually have sex with their donkeys! Yes, both Turk men and Turk women, so the country should be called ‘Donkey’, n’est-ce pas? Hee Haw! No Donkeys in EU!
Turkish women sometimes get pregnant by their donkeys and produce little baby Erdogans! Hee Haw!
Come to think of it, every Turk in Germany has long ears! Obviously, the more intelligent Turk is half Turk, half donkey…a Turk-ey!! Hee Haw! Hee Haw! Can’t help hee hawing, I’m half Turk!
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