Why Turkey Sucks
8 Jun
First off, let us address the name. Turkey. It is a weak, silly name for a nation, bringing the mental image of a bird that is unable to fly, and has been rumored to be so dumb that they sometimes drown from starring at the sky during rainfall. It is the most pathetic national symbol for any country in existence, with the leaf on the Canadian Flag coming in a close second.
The name is embarrassing to such a degree that from this point on the nation will be referred to as “Gobble-gobble,” which coincidentally in Turkish is roughly translated to “Big Douchy Liars.”
The only good thing ever produced about Turkey… er, forgive me, Gobble-gobble… was the swing-style song “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” by Jimmy Kennedy and Nat Simon.
Currently, Gobble-gobble is hosting a 22-country Eurasian security summit where it is expected to raise international pressure against Israel to end a four-year blockade that prevents Hamas, a group the United States recognizes as terrorists, from getting weapons.
But Gobble-gobble is our allies. They’re our friends, right? WRONG! Robert L. Pollock of the Wall Street Journal recently reported that the national newspaper Yeni Safak (which is the daily read of current Gobble-gobble Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan) claimed Americans were tossing such a high number of Iraqi bodies into the Euphrates that it was contaminating the fish supply.
The paper also repeatedly claimed we were using chemical weapons in Fallujah, while another paper said the United States was starting to secretly occupy Indonesia.
Yeni Safak has also claimed that U.S. forces were harvesting dead Iraqis and selling their organs back at home.
And according to Pollock, another rumor spreading around Ankara was that the United States recent interest in the Middle East was based on a desire to colonize the area because of an impending asteroid strike in North America.
That’s right. An asteroid strike.
Additionally, it was rumored that SECRET AMERICAN NUCLEAR TESTS caused the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami. This one garnered such attention that U.S. ambassador Eric Edelman felt a need to hold a conference call with the Gobble-gobble media denying it.
These claims should be hilarious. Additionally, they are the opinions of a newspaper, not a government, and the freedom of speech is one we hold very dear here.
Except that Prime Minister Erdogan has REFUSED to condemn these fictitious rumors. When asked specifically about U.S. soldiers killing people for their organs, Erdogan shrugged and said “these kind of things happen in the world.”
So, just to recap, our allies from Gobble-gobble view us as a Euphrates-polluting, chemical-weapons-using, Indonesia-occupying, ORGAN-STEALING, asteroid-fearing, Tsunami-causing people.
Turkey, you suck. This is AMERICA! We don’t need your stinkin’ organs, and we certainly ain’t afraid of no asteroid!
As for polluting the Euphrates, why would the American government allow a massive body of water to be severely damaged??
Oh wait…
dumbass, turkey’s name didn’t come from the English word for a certain type of poultry. Turkey came from the word “turks” which describes a group of people originating from that area. you are terribly ethnocentric to think that Turkey came from an English word, a word developed long after the existence of the Turks.
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EricM Reply:
June 8th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Sweetheart,
Sadly, it is YOU who seemingly lacks intelligence, as the above article at no point says the name of Gobble-gobble came from the English word “turkey.” It states that the “weak, silly name” of the country conjures up the “mental image” of that specific type of poultry… not that it was specifically named after it.
Additionally, the Republic of Turkey was created in July of 1923 after its succession from the Ottoman Empire, CENTURIES after the creation of the English language.
How twisted it is, being lectured on the English language by a fool so void of knowledgeable that she spells her own name with a lower-case letter.
One can only hope you suffer the same fate as Helen Thomas…
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Let the issue of where Gobble gobble got it’s name be the biggest worry. And for the record- the stealing of organs thing happens not to be new (unfortunately). It would seem that extremists have some kind of fetish about it. While I unfortunately can’t cite the source from which it came (because I was blinded by the level of intensity at which this stupidity was eaten up by it’s viewers), I watched an Arabic talk show in which they discussed that Israel’s involvement in Haiti relief was with the soul intention of harvesting organs (like they had supposedly also been doing to Palestinians for decades). Whats the deal? I mean, sure, us Jews love liver, but isn’t this a bit extreme?
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Why do stupid people post on articles like these? Not only did he not say that the name originated from the word we use for a certain type of poultry, but this whole article has strong undertones of satire.
Julia – stupid people like you make my brain hurt.
Eric – I’ve been reading your recent articles on here and really like them. Not sure where you’ve been all this time, but keep ‘em coming.
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