Tony Hayward Pee’s on Our Rug, Goes to Congress, Gets Apology

In a shocking development in the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill, company CEO and virtual guarantee for Douche-Bag-of-the-Year Award Tony Hayward appeared in front of the United States Congress to discuss… well… not really sure what he came to discuss. You’d assume Hayward would have more important things to do, but who knows. Maybe he was there to talk about steroids in baseball.

However, while he was there, Hayward had the good fortune of having GOP officials APOLOGIZE to him due to the horrible injustices he has been forced to face.

“I think it is a tragedy in the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown – in this case a $20 billion shakedown,” said Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas). “I apologize.”

Barton was just one of many Republican Congressional Representatives who defended Hayward and BP as part of a political maneuver to fight against President Obama’s demand the oil company set up a $20 billion escrow account to pay off claims.

First off, to call the $20 billion escrow a “shakedown” is widely inaccurate. It’s more of a reimbursement. If someone comes into your home and spills shit on your carpet, you’re going to send them a bill for the cleaners. BP spilled a whole lotta shit on a whole lotta really expensive carpet. Hence, they get sent a really big bill.

Clearly, Rep. Barton has never driven a car before, or at least not long enough that he was required to get more gas. This is clear, because anybody who has EVER had to pay for gas would never, under any circumstances, ever apologize to the CEO of an oil company for anything.

Everybody knows the CEOs of Big Oil are slimy, disgusting, corner-cutting, scum who tack on an extra 9/10 of a cent per gallon. (Is there any other business IN THE WORLD that we allow to pull something as greedy as that? Seriously, 9/10 of a cent? You make BILLIONS of dollars in profit, and you squeeze your customers for 9/10 of a cent?)

They are the lowest of the low, using their wealth and power to handicap the development of clean energy sources, import from corrupt governments, and keep America stuck on their fat diet of oil.

Oil companies are the Heroin dealers of Big Business, no less evil than Big Tobacco.

Tony Hayward, meanwhile, is one of the worst of the worst. He has lied to the public about the claims BP has paid. He approved a blatantly incorrect Regional Spill Plan. And, for all you conspiracy theorists out there, he sold approximately a third of his BP shares under a month before the rig exploded.

He even went so far as to say, as residents of Louisiana, Alabama, and Florida started getting his oil on their beach, that “there’s no one who wants this thing over more than I do… I’d like my life back.”

Hayward gets paid an annual salary of $1,477,813, with an average bonus of $2,215,239. I’d like his life too.

And the GOP is apologizing to this guy? He should be physically beaten, dragged through a public square, and made an example of. Any decent, functional society would tar-and-feather this asshole (Or, ironically, oil-and-feather him, though thanks to companies like BP, getting that much oil would be WAY too expensive). Instead, we have elected officials asking him for his forgiveness!

They peed on our fucking rug, dude. Why in the world would anyone owe this guy an apology?