BP Spill Plan: “I See Dead People!”

Apparently BP has a plan to fix the oil spill. That’s a start, right?

Eh, not exactly. According to a recent Huffington Post Article, the BP 582-page Regional Spill Plan for the Gulf Coast is “riddled with omissions and glaring errors.”

And not complicated,  oil-spill-calculating equation-errors you need to be a Rhodes Scholar to figure out. No, we’re talking Stupid Fucking Errors. Bill Buckner style. Ashlee Simpson style. Sarah Palin style.

The most notable of these “errors” is the listing of national wildlife expert Professor Peter Lutz. The plan states that in the event of a spill BP officials should immediately contact Professor Lutz at the University of Miami, a school he left almost TWO DECADES AGO!

No big deal. The Professor surely left a forwarding address, right?

I’m sure he would have, except that he died in 2005. Professor Lutz passed away over four years BEFORE BPs plan claiming him as an expert to contact was created. And unless the late Professor is in actuality Obi-Wan Kenobi, it seems unlikely he’ll be able to do much contributing.

However, there remains the very real possibility that BP has figured out a way to bring people back from the dead. The ability to reverse-death would be a brilliant talent for BP to have, considering the nine people who died during the explosion on April 20^th, the countless amount of turtles, dolphins, and fish who have already become victims of the oil leak, and the fact that according to the Greatest-Actor-of-All-Time Alec Baldwin, THEY might be the next to go.

Amongst some of the other moronic errors found in the BP plan:

• Under the category “sensitive biological resources,” the plan lists walruses, sea otters, sea lions and seals. NONE of these animals live even remotely close to the Gulf Coast (And even if they wanted to, they now can’t, because of…. y’know… the oil.)
• Several telephone numbers listed are incorrect, such as Texas A&M marine life specialists and marine mammal standing network offices in Louisiana, some of which no longer exist (Just like the turtles, dolphins, and Professor Lutz!).
• The plan also states that any oil spill would take over a month to reach the Louisiana coast. In reality, it took just over a week.
• The final line of the nearly 600-page plan simply says “If all else fails, call Aquaman.”